WORDS TO LIVE BY

Or not.  Here are some words that, in the near future, I am going to attempt to snub:   Retarded (and derivatives of), the ‘F’ word, asshole and sure. The reasons are varying, but they are all good reasons, so the snub is appropriate.

It is  finally politically incorrect to use the word ‘retarded’ or ‘retard’ in contexts that do not involve individuals who actually have medically documented cognitive disabilities.   I am not usually a big fan of the ‘politically correct’, but I do agree with this one.  In this instance, it’s not like you have to avoid using an otherwise inoffensive word when accurately describing someone. Political correctness forbids one to use the word ‘black’ when describing or referring to an individual of African American decent. But both white and black people can be from Africa.  , I believe it is foolish to refrain from describing a person as being 'black' if they happen to be  Negro. If the person is Caucasian, then it would really be misleading to describe them as ‘black’.  They would be no more ‘black’ then they would be ‘white’. (Really, we are all varying shades of brown, from light tan to chestnut. Yeah brown!!!).

I am Caucasian and am not offended if someone describes me as ‘a white person’ (unless of course it is said as a ‘snub’, inferring that I am a really bad dancer. Which is not the case; I can shake my bootie till the cows come home.) I am offended if someone describes me as 'cheap',  'tawdry',  'unattractive' or  'really starting to show her age'.   If I were Negro, I doubt that I would be offended if someone described me as ‘a black person’. Where is the offense? There is nothing wrong with being black, and it could very well be said as a compliment if one were inferring really, really good dancing ability.  Now, I do see some inconsistencies here, because truly, I don’t refer to any of my Asian friends as ‘yellow people’.  (Hmm. My nieces take ballet lessons and I think they’re pretty good at it, and they’re Asian, so…..)

Anyway, I think the problem with using the word ‘retarded’ descriptively is that it is often  used to describe a person or thing that is not, has not, and will not be medically determined to be dealing with a developmental disorder such as retardation.   I am an offender. (Okay, I am a huge offender).  Just the other day on my way into work, I proclaimed numerous times, loudly, that those little high powered wheel chairs called ‘Smart Cars’ are ‘retarded’. I also said they were only driven by ‘retards’. I also declared that an arbitration panel that rendered a verdict that I was not completely happy with to be ‘completely retarded’.  I also told my husband that  his idea to get rid of our land line and just our cell phones  was ‘retarded’.   I will stop using the words 'retarded' and 'retard' in the wrong context.  (btw: I always walk in the Trisomy 21 fundraiser and this year will ask you all to double your donations to my team).

I use the ‘F’ word way too much, and I am pretty sure that my Mother would not approve.  I know that my husband doesn’t (though I do see him laughing a lot when I use this word.).  As cathartic as it may be to hurl a few 'F bombs' at the truly annoying,  it can become so habit forming that you end up throwing a few of the 'colorful explatives'  around at the wrong time, and the wrong place.   (No, I am not going to enlighten you with recent, somewhat unfortunate events involving said use of said explative).    However, as  sloppy as I have become in my cathartic releases,  there are some places twhere  even I would never use the ‘F’ word:  Church (other than those two times when it was completely appropriate), The Lilly Store and Tiffany’s.   I am sure you are wondering on what occasions saying ‘Fuck’ would be appropriate in Church.   Once was at my wedding when some assholes  guests felt it wasy okay to arrive  during the ceremony, as opposed to before the fucking thing started!  

Me:  Jeeze, it’s my fucking wedding and that little ho is late! If that bitch ever gets married we'll see how she likes it when I walk in twenty minutes late.

There was also the time that the Deacon giving the Sermon just made one too many mistakes about the equal rights struggle.   I gave him some creative liscence, but  when he said that Martin Luther King refused to give up his seat on a bus in Selma, Alabama:

Me: What the fuck? That was Rosa Parks, asshole.

Asshole.  That’s another word that I am going to try to snub.  Not because I want to, mind you.  But because my husband has been so fucking annoying  always nagging me about it so much.  He says that I use the word like other people use punctuation.

Husband: To save some money, how ‘bout we get rid of our land line and just use our cell phones?

Me:   I get shitty reception on my cell phone in the house, asshole.  That’s a fucking retarded idea.

Or

Comcast Customer Service Rep (in India):  if you are having trouble with your land line, we will schedule a service appointment for you between the hours of 8:00 am and 5:00 pm.

Me:   Look, asshole, for the fourth time, you already sent a service tech out here and he says we need a whole new line.

Comcast Customer Service Rep: What was the name of the service technician, please?

Me:  I don’t remember his name; he’s a tall, heavy set, black  guy driving a white van with the word: "Comcast "  written on the side.

Last but not least, I am snubbing the word ‘sure’.  And this one I really do mean to snub. This one gets me in more fucking trouble then calling some black guy an asshole.  Just this past week:

Snobby Woman (at snobby committee meeting):  Corky, since you haven't contributed anything of value to this meeting, can you contact these ten vendors and get the food donated for our Tea Cup Drive?
Me:  Sure, I'd love to (you fucking bitch)

Boss:  I need someone to give me a status on these three files by this afternoon.  Corky, can you do it?
Me:  Sure, right away (I'll just cancel my afternoon meetings so I can do your work for you 'cause you're too fucking retarded to do it yourself)

Husband:  Please stop calling me  asshole.
Me:  Sure.  Love you (just don't suggest we get rid of the useless, non functional land line)

And now a (shameless) plug for Arbonne Cosmetics, because 1.  I use these products.  2.  I like these products.  3.  They are cruelty free (not tested on animals cause only asshole companies do that), and 4. I have two friends who are Arbonne reps.   These two ladies probably do not want to own up to being my friend on this public blog read by, litterally, tens of people (maybe ten).  But, if you would like to try Arbonne, leave a comment and they can get in touch with you.   I like the peppermint foot cream and the mascara.   I buy the foot cream from one friend and the mascara from the other.  They know who they are:   the Foot Friend and the Mascara Friend.  Hopefully, they will both read this post and place the appropriate orders for me.  Otherwise, I will be a smelly footed, bald eye lid girl with a mouth full of soap.