GIVE HER THE BOOT

Kara Dioguardi must like me.  Or this blog.  (or she is still rushing my fictitious sorority - see Trolling Along below).  She continues to supply me with snobalog material.  Easy, paint by number, connect the dots kinda material.   Why, I don't even have to try to be funny (which is good, cause I'm almost as tired of my humore attempts as you are).

Last night, Kara apparantly borrowed the boots worn by Julia Robert's hooker character in Pretty Woman, and wore them for her gig on American Idol.   Alas, those boots were made for talking.  And as we (painfully) know, that is just what Kara will do. Thankfully, the producers booked 30 fewer minutes of time last night and reigned in Vivian Kara.   With a show running short on time from the word "This", all of the Judges seem to have been told to make a face, and then go with one of the following four standard AI phrases:

*  It fell short for me;
*  I didn't get it;
*  I don't know who you are as an artist, or
*  Another solid performance.

Since it is obvious that Kara's contract states that she is paid by the word, she was understandably pissed and as such, refused to wash her hair for the show.  She did manage to get all of those words out following each performance.   ("It was another solid performance, but it fell short for me and I don't know who you are as an artist.  I didn't get it.")

Even worse for Kara then the lack of word time - Casey James once again shivered from ick-factor when Kara (un)addressed him.  That's a boy who will never take off his shirt again.  Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Kara.

Oh yes, fearing that channeling her inner hooker in the Julia boots was not trashy enough,  Kara also channeled her inner Lindsay Lohen by (dis)gracing the pages of Allure magazine wearing nothing but her skin and (scrawny) bones.  I'm so glad my fictitious sorority gave her the boot dropped her like a dog biscuit.  Quite possibly, this is a face saving move strategic move to help sell tickets to Kara's first live concert at Atlantic City's Borgatta Casino.   Since promotors are finding it difficult to give these tickets away, including them as part of a Bachelor Party Combo Pack may work.  Really,  what self (dis)respecting, drunk ass tipsy bachelor would want to listen to a singer who wears clothes?

And just like Lindsay Lohen, forgetting to wear clothes for photo shoots often leads to even bigger, even more commercial projects.  Commercials.  Word has it that when the AI contestants film their Ford commercial this week, it will feature Kara being packed up and sent off on her way.  (well it could!)

Where, you may wonder, would Kara end up?  Since hearing her sing and seeing her naked aren't really on anyone's top 500 things to do list, it's clear she must find another Reality TV show to latch on to  employ her.  

She could work out well on The Jersey Shore, since, like the rest of that cast she is  A. Not from New Jersey, and B. Not very classy.  The wardrobe could work there, too.  But I just don't know how long she would remain above the boardwalk once she tells Snookie  "I don't get the hair.  It's confusing to me.  It doesn't tell me who you are as a slut bag".

Maybe Paris Hilton could resurrect The Simple Life with Kara as her new BFF.  Since the rest of Paris' BFFs went off and found real lives, that position is available.  And since Kara is so much older and skankier, Paris should, in theory, really like how good she would look next to Kara.  On Kara's end, she would be able to talk over Paris and push her around a whole lot and Paris would never know what Kara was talking about.  ie.

Kara:  I don't know who you are as a performer.
Paris:   I'm not a performer.  I'm an icon,  like the Sears tower, or gumby.
Kara:   But I want more excitement from you.
Paris:   What's more exciting then watching me poll dance in my living room?
Kara:   You're all over the place.  It's like you've got two sides to you.
Paris:   That is not true, take that back.  I am very one dimmensional.
Kara:   That just makes you sound too old.
Paris:    Take that back you skanky old bitch.   I don't even read my own mail.

BTW:  Did you know that you cannot send beer to Georgia?  Now what am I gonna get my brother for his birthday?