THAT'S WHAT HE SAID

My husband and I recieved a disturbing call from our accountant the other night. We owe taxes. Now, obvioulsy getting a refund always trumps owing taxes, but we really weren't shocked that we owed taxes. We were shocked, earth shatteringly (or at least subdivision shatteringly) shocked, thought with the amount of taxes we owe. "How could this be?" my husband kept asking our accountant. I have no idea what the response was, hubby keeps me far from Mr. Accountant for fear I'll discover just how bad hubby is at handling our finances. Hint to husband - I ALREADY KNOW THIS!

And that is why I decided to take the matter into my own hands. By that, I certainly do not intend to fill the forms out myself. God no - this is not the time for me to master multiplication of percentages. (and I am pretty sure that most snobby women would refuse such a task) However, I'm pretty sure I am more creative then hubby and Mr. Accountant, who, at this point I think are not creative AT ALL. And let me be perfectly honest hear (because I intend not to be perfectly honest from now until April 15th) - this is a BIG tax bill. It will more than put a dent in my plans to proceed with full snobbery. It will more than set me back - probably an entire fashion season - in aquiring the wardrobe needed to gain admission to The Snub Club and into the Snobberia.

First, I do believe in hiring people who are good at doing things that you are not good at doing. Hubby hires accountant. I hire manicurist. We both hire Jerry-the-sometimes-unreliable-but-always-talented-handy-man. Jerry is the best (when he actually shows upl). He does a great job, and is very creative in his billing. So creative, I don't think I even know what his hourly rates are. He just comes up with a number and asks for a check and I hand it over to him. And here is the truly genius part of his whole thing: IT'S UNDER THE TABLE. Yeah, I seriously doubt that Jerry pays taxes. So it occurred to me, maybe Jerry should do our taxes. I cannot immagine he'd tell us we owe an extra $10,000!!! (yes, you read that right - 4 zeros after the big 1.). And Jerry's no dummy, either. He would quickly realize that this would be ten thousand fewer dollars we'd be giving him for doing things like carving closet space out of thin air for us. (that was pretty much the last job we asked him to do). Yes, Jerry's our man. The only problem I foresee is the possible situation of an audit. Mr. Accountant says he accompanies his clients on audits. With Jerry, we sometimes have trouble getting him to 'pop round and finish a bit of paint and trim' for weeks on end. Once, I went a month with a master bathroom that had ALMOST been completely redone accept for the new faucets. Jer just got busy. (It was nice weather and he went to the mountains for awhile)  I used the kitchen sink.

So I discuss this situation - the taxes that is - with Jerry and he agrees, this is an awful lot of money and we should "come up with something".  (he's good, I tell ya)

Jerry: "how much of your income did you declare?"
Me: "All of it."
Jerry: "ohhh. That's your problem."
I told you this guy is sharp.

He tells me to come up with a bunch of deductions. Deduct everything, he says.   This is great.   Parking tickets, late fee fines for getting behind on lisencing requirements (I get lots of those), anything connected to work.   Deduct the dog, for crying out loud!!  Genius, I tell ya. I quickly start gathering everything and anything that could look like a dry cleaning reciept. Afterall, I need clean clothes to go to work so this is a work expense. Nails - gotta have a nice manicure for work, too (not just that potentially snobby luncheon on Saturday). My glasses! My contacts! All work expenses. My job requires me to see what I am doing.

Jerry mentions Martha Stewart (another of my personal heros).

Jerry: "Just be careful. Remember what happened to Martha Stewart - she went to jail for tax evasion"

No Jerry, she went to jail for obstruction of justice. But Oh Lordy!!! Leona Helmsly DID go to jail for tax evasion! And, SHE WAS A SNOB!!! (not to speak ill of the dead - as you know, I look up to snobs and aspire to be one)

Maybe I should get Mr. Accountant to work with Jerry.