TROLLING ALONG

Today I was going to  blog about my plan to give the dust bunnies in my house (really snobby) names and then claim them as tax deductions to combat that Government Plot to Destroy me  (ie tax bill).  But as it turns out, there is something far worse then the IRS and my $10k bill:  Today's (potentially snobby) luncheon.  The luncheon in and of itself really wasn't so offensive.  But, some (all but one) of the speakers were.  In fact, I came close to accepting free tickets to a Kara Dioguardi show just to get out of listening to them.

To begin with, my nails looked good (I mean who the hell really knows, I didn't get my glasses repaired so I'm trusting my manicurist when she tells me they look good), I found a skirt that fit my ever growing ass AND matched my new shoes and my hair turned out reasonably well.   I rehearsed some acceptable small talk (no cursing, no cussing, no cursing out wait staff) and came prepared to buy lots of silly raffle tickets.  The country club where the luncheon was held is gorgeous.  It wasn't raining.  I immediatly met up with my friends.  Things were going well.

So well, I decided to buy even more silly raffle tickets.  I even bid on a gorgeous necklace in the silent auction.  After all, the money raised is going toward scholarships for women.  Sorority women to be exact cause this was a Panhellenic luncheon.  For those of you who are unenlightened (like my husband) - that is the governing board for all of the really important sororities.    Not that any of this matters, but a brief bit of background info can be found in this exchange:

Hubby:   So what organization held this luncheon?
Me:   The National Panhellenic Conference.
Hubby:  And where are they located?
Me:  Everywhere.   This was the local.
Hubby:   So the National Conference is held right here?
Me:    No.  The National Panhellenic Conference is the governing board of all the National Panhellenic Conferences.
Hubby:    Were they all there today?
Me:   Was who all there today?
Hubby:    The people from the National organization.
Me:    No.   This was the local.
Hubby:   So it was just your sorority?
Me:   No, it was all of the local sororities.
Hubby:    I thought you said this was the National board?

Lord of all frat houses!  Didn't I make memorizing the Greek alphabet and the names of all of the really important sororites a condition of this marriage!!!

Anyway, alumnae members from lots of the different sorority alumnae chapters came together today for this luncheon.   (hence the potential snob appeal)  Really, most people were very friendly - that is until the speakers began.  Then I realized that the sorority that was hosting the event decided that today was the day that they would exact revenge on every other sorority out their that labeled them the campus pound.  We were held captive in our chairs, not one of our tables was close enough to an exit to be able to leave without calling a lot of attention to the fact we were ditching.   First, they made us stand and applaud THEM for doing 'such an outstanding job'.   (what the f!   They booked the room.   Handy-man  Jerry could do that, once he's finished doing my taxes.)   Next,  they explained again in finer detail just how special they were for doing 'such an outstanding job'.  (Honest to God, they gave an award to one woman's daughter because, despite the fact she was in a different sorority, she babysat for one of their members so that said member could attend a meeting.  Holy Cow Shit!  Is that the best they can do?)

Things started going down hill when the salad arrived.   Thats when they began picking the winning raffle tickets for the many prize baskets (I got suckerd into buying 35 raffle tickets so I was hoping to AT LEAST bring home the week old Easter basket).   One by one, the winners rose to accept their prizes and one by one they were ALL members of the hosting sorority (and their friends at the next table over that dressed themselves completely from the Sears catalogue.)

But wait, they weren't through with us yet.   Lunch was yet to come. And yet to come. And yet to come.  (it became necessary for me to steal the dinner roll from the old lady sitting next to me.)  During the wait to be fed (how silly to expect food.....AT A LUNCHEON), they regailed us with how special their sisterhood is.  They had a lifetime bond.   They understood the true meaning of sisterhood.  They supported one another through thick and thin.   At this point, I felt  compelled to say what everyone else at my table knew:   There was a lot more thick then thin.

But true vengance was yet to come.  

Lunch finally arrived and in between the lunch and the dessert, my dear friend Sharon dragged me to the silent auction table and coaxed me into erasing my winning bid from the gorgeous necklace.  Her overriding compassion for my dear hubby in our time of Government Sponsored crisis compelled her to curb my spending.    This actually has nothing to do with the obscene way we were about to be treated, but I felt it worth mentioning.

Ah yes,  today's debacle  included what this unamed sorority deemed:  entertainment.  No, the entertainment wasn't something obvious like one of the collegiate members playing the violin, or an A Capella group serenading us, or even a stripper from the bar down the street!  (male stripper, please)    No, it was some short, squat, troll like woman from their sorority that gave a speach lecture on the history of sororities!!!!   (I think note taking was required) Did I mention that she looked like a troll!   What I really meant to say was that she looked like one of those rubber troll dolls that were, for some ungodly reason popular a few years back. 

The ones with the bright purple hair.   Well, her hair wasn't purple, but it was in dire need of a good cut and condition.    Really, her sisters should have allowed her to win the prize with all of the make up cause she kind of needed it.   And maybe a stop watch, too.   That way, she would have known when she went over her allotted ten minutes.   Or even her allotted thirty minutes.     Forty f'n minutes later I made a brake for the bathroom.   I would have kept on running, but my ride was still trapped at our table.

So Madam Speaker droned on (while her husband worked the slide projector - yeah thats right, Power Point had not yet made it under their bridge so they had a slide presentation).  The old lady sitting next to me (who missed out on her dinner roll) mumbled something about being afraid she might die before this lecture finally ended.  Madam Speaker lectured on talked about how women were not accepted by men when they first entered colleges and how they had to band together and form sororities just to support each other.   And that is great stuff.  I really do mean it.   Great stuff.   It almost makes me ashamed of the fact that I joined solely to get invited to parties at Delta Kappa Epsilon.   (almost, I mean how long do you have to be indebted to the suffragettes?)  But here is the thing - it only took me ONE SENTENCE (what I meant to say was one F'n sentence) to make that point.   It took her FORTY FIVE MINUTES.   And she got it kinda screwed up, too.   She had the founder of our sorority founding SOMEONE ELSES SORORITY!!!   (I"m pretty sure they're pissed, too).   She had Kappa Alpha Theta being the first sorority, which seemed to annoy the hell out of the Pi Phi's and the ADPi's - cause they both think that they're the first sororities.    She completely forgot to say anything at all about my sorority.  (other than mentioning our founder in the wrong context)  I figured that was probably cause she was jealous, cause we're just so fabulous.   And then I realized:   You do not necessarily have to be 'fabulous' to be snobby.   Quite possibly, this group of highly intelligent, exceedingly intellectual (if badly dressed)  women were snubbing some of the other, shall I say, more fashionably inclined!!   Hmmmm, an intellectual thought for another day.   During my forty five minutes of hell, my mind began to wander (well, that's actually it's favorite exersize).   I considered the various styles of the groups present.    We were definetly the 'Talbots Table'.    Next to us was the 'No-Food-For-Me Table'.   They sat next to the 'Boscovs Table'.    And then I began to form my Perfect Sorority in my mind.    I held mental recruitment and am so proud of my new sisters.    They incude:

Reese Witherspoon - of course, because she is fabulous and she IS El Woods.  (plus, rumor has it that her cousin is a Tri Delt)

Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg - she's a Kennedy for cryin' out loud.  And she also has the distinction of being the inspiration for everyone's favorite summer time sing-a-long song 'Sweet Caroline'.

Jackie O

No explanation required

Kristen Davis

She was just so good as Charlotte on Sex In The City.  Really,  Carrie was a bit of a ho and Charlotte was so classy (well, most of the time).

Michelle Obama - there is no one who channels her inner Jackie O quite as well as Michelle Obama.   And she really does rock a mean strand of pearls (not to mention just how fashionable it is right now to be 'of color')

Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor

Every sorority needs some really smart girls to help keep the house GPA high.  And Sandra is always so classy, to boot.  Another gal who rocks the pearls (and rumor has it that she actually is a Tri Delta)

Kate Spade

Any girl who designed the Noelle pattern is IN, as far as I'm concerned.  Technically, she is already a Kappa - but thats okay because 1.  Kappa's are cool, and 2.  remember her striped tote?

Kate Middleton - she's about to become engaged to the future King of England.  I would absolutely die if she joined another sorority.   She has GOT to be in mine.

Sara Blakely because she invented SPANX and that should get her anything she wants.   (she actually is a Tri Delta, which means she is way cool)

My friend Chuck - because he is really cool and I promised him he could be in my fictitious sorority.  (And, he serves as the Minister of Content for this blog so he should have his mug somewhere on it)

Oh yeah - there is one (heinous bitch) person who has rushed about 5 times and my fictitious sorority has shown her the (back) door each time:

Have a wonderful day and beware of trolls.