HOLD ON TO YOUR (TEA) BAG

Dateline Los Angeles - R & B singer Brandy was brutally robbed by a plain, chunky, white girl with a bad perm.   The assault, which occurred at approximately 9:53 pm, was witnesses by dozens of shocked bystanders who stood idol,  claiming that the crime was so swift and vicious that there was nothing they could do.  "I glared daggers at the evil little fatty", cried actress Jennifer Grey, "but I couldn't stop it.   Poor Brandy, she was so innocent.  This should never have happened to her."   Grey's sentiments were echoed by many other witnesses.

Disney star Kyle Massey added, "I thought she (Brandy) could outrun her (the plain, chunky, white girl).   I mean, Brandy is fast and sure footed and that hefty white chick was slow and awkward.   It was horrible.  I"m telling you, it was just the worst thing I've ever seen."

Los Angeles police issued a statement asking the public to be on the lookout for a badly permed, overweight and personality deprived white teen aged girl.   At the moment, investigators say  "they are all suspect until we can get a composite sketch."  According to police,   compiling the composite sketch has been exceedingly difficult since the many, many witness all contend that the assailant was so incredibly plain that describing facial features is virtually impossible.   However, the following descriptive words have been given by almost every witness:   Chunky,  white, badly permed hair,  lifeless,  slow, awkward.

Brandy is being treated at a local hospital for burns to her face caused by some sort of tannic acid believed to have been wielded by her assailant.   "It smells like tea," the singer said earlier.  "Like a Darjeeling, or possibly some sort of English Breakfast brew."   Her companion, Max, added  "To me, it looked as if the chunky, little white girl had strings attached to her hands and feet and someone, somewhere, was moving them about.  I don't know if the slow, white chick threw the tannic acid substance or if whoever was pulling those puppet strings did."

In a bizarre twist, a group calling itself  "Vote For The Worst "  issued a statement claiming responsibility for the Brandy attack.    The group went on to claim responsibility for a number of bad choices in American voting contests, including former American Idol contestants Sanjaya and Teflon Tim, as well as political candidates Rand Paul and Christine O'Donnell.    Federal investigators were called in to dust the statement for finger prints, but all the found were tea leaves.

REGISTERING THE REALITIES OF PREGNANCY

Being pregnant for the first time is an exciting and somewhat scary adventure.   So many strange and gross ,  bizarre,  wonderful things happen to your body, hormones and emotions that it is hard to put them all down in words.   Fortunately for pregnant women (and their frightened partners), there are lots and lots of (often uselessly misleading) books out there to help guide you thru these  never ending amazing nine months.   And if you get drowsy with all that reading (or drowsy because you can only stay awake for 7 hours a day now), scores of  intrusive  annoying  rabid helpful people are all too eager to assault you  offer  unsolicited  advice and support.    I've  been the recipient   beneficiary of both sources.    And, as helpful as the books and helpful often times strangers  folks have been,  I've come to learn that there are some things about pregnancy that have not been addressed.   

And so, without further warning here is my list of things that every pregnant woman should plan for.  And as for that baby registry?  To hell with that!   This kid isn't even born yet.  Register for the stuff that YOU need NOW:

1.   Learn to Count and don't be afraid to teach others how to count:  The average woman is not pregnant for  a mere nine months.    Try FORTY WEEKS.  Sometimes longer.  Sometimes less time, but count on forty weeks.   The next time someone makes one of those cutesy faces and remarks:   "only x more weeks",  go right ahead and let loose some of your pent up flatulence and tell them that they cannot leave the spot where they stand until they get this mathematical equation correct.   This will be great experience for you on  lecturing people who are younger, smaller and less educated than you.

2.  The Stomach Gropers:   Oh yeah, they're out there.  People who you often barely  know feel entitled to run up to you and start groping your protruding belly.   You could stand there and let them fondle you.  Or, you could try one of these reactions:

     *  Back away and inform them that only your husband and your OBGYN get to grope you.
     *  Smack them and threaten to turn them in to their boss/mother/spouse/local politician.
     *   Immediately grab their boobs/genitals and say 'Hey, fair is fair".

3.  Fill out FMLA and Americans With Disabilities forms:   Obviously this applies to working women.    Fill these forms out the same day you pee on that stick!!!   Consider it a cover-your-ever-expanding-ass move.    You see,   pregnancy hormones play havoc with your ability to remember things,  cope with things,  handle things,   do things....just things!!   I've organized fundraising events for over 500 attendees without a glitch.   But, in my 14th week of pregnancy I tried organizing a baby shower for twelve people.   I sent out at least one of the invitations COMPLETELY BLANK.  I've missed work deadlines, cried when complimented, cried when criticized, cried when constipated.

4.   Constipation:   If high school girls (I'm talkin' to you Bristol) knew that unprotected sex leads to crippling constipation, profuse sweating, frequent belching, hemorrhoids,  bloated calves and feet,  acne,  non stop heart burn and a host of unattractive physical malformities they wouldn't need condoms, chastity rings or "Abstinence" slogans.    In fact, I doubt they would EVER remove their underpants again.    But, for those of us that are older, wiser and currently having our stomachs measured for fundus growth,  it's a bit too late for that now.   So I will just tell y'all now to order a carton or two of the following:    Dulcolax,  Extra Strength Tums,  talc on powder,  Preparation H, ice packs, heating pads, support stockings and anti stretch mark creme.

5.  Maternity Clothing:   My "woman's intuition"  is telling me that the religious right wing has taken over every maternity wear manufacturer and is secretly punishing us pregnant women for conceiving via 'sin' versus 'divine intervention' .   They use the worst, most universally rejected material that you can take a needle and thread to.   They believe that most pregnancies occur in warm states during the summer.  As such, they design most of the crappy ugly stuff with spaghetti straps and short sleeves.   And they believe that pregnant women fall into one of two fashion categories:   Disco-bound  sluts; or Women who are not only having a baby, but are becoming a baby, too.    Save yourself time, aggravation and money.   Buy a bunch of leggings and  men's shirts.  And, when you have to attend board meetings, formal events or such and someone gives you a raised eyebrow glare because you are dressed inappropriately?   Sit next to said asshole and let your flatulence run free.

6.  Crying, Yelling, Stomping of Foot:   Pregnancy hormones can turn even the sweetest woman into a bi polar nightmare.   Imagine what it does to the rest of us!   Yes, yes,  it's real scary for your partner, never knowing from moment to moment if he should hug you, rub your swollen and enormous feet or run and hide in a locked closet.   But, the upside for you is that this unpredictable yet very predictable hormonal phenomenon gives you quite a bit of power.   No spouse in his right mind will deny your buying the expensive, $900 nursery bedding set - not when you look like you are about to either break down and spend the next four hours crying; or possibly grab the nearest carving knife and chase him about the neighborhood screaming "This is all your fault!!!   If only you had given me girl sperm we wouldn't need to spend so much on the nursery!!".  Note:   unless they are about to fire you (which they will certainly request some sacrificial lamb from HR  do for them), most bosses are equally terrified of your new, ADA protected pregnancy related hormonal rages.   This could be a wonderful opportunity to demand  ask for a raise.

7.  Sleep:   This is something that you can do instantly between the hours of 8:00 am and 6:00 pm.   Unfortunately, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 6:00 am you get very little sleep.   Between the latter hours, your sleep is interrupted by hourly trips to the bathroom, misplaced body pillows, heart burn, night sweats, leg twitching, charlie horses and your husband's snoring.   You really can't do anything about these things, other than your husband's snoring.   My advice is to take out your pent up hostility and rage on the poor man for keeping you up all night.   Does he not know you're pregnant, for God's sake!?!

8.   REGISTER:    Apparently getting married and celebrating your birthday are not the only reasons for lots of people to buy you presents.   And, with registries you get to pick out all the goodies.   If you ask the overly zealous  helpful clerks at Babies R Us, they'll tell you to register for things like strollers, car seats and teething rings.   Again - this kid isn't even born yet!!!   My advice:

      Body Pillow
  
     Comfy Shoes - Naturalizer now trumps Stuart Weitzman 

     Diaper Bag - forget the kind at the baby store.   Coach, Lilly, Kenneth Cole all make  them.              

    Large bags of Trail Mix -  handfuls of nuts now replace a glass of wine. 
 
    Tiffany's - hell, you're the one doing all the work.  Why should the baby get the gifts?  How much work did 'being born' take? 

    Spa Vacation - you'll need and deserve it after the 40 weeks you've been thru.

Now, you may feel that this post is negative and that I am not thrilled to be having a baby.   How could you think that?!?   Don't you know I"m pregnant????  Do you know what I'm going thru? Have any idea???  How callous can you be???

I'LL HAVE SOME TEA WITH MY SUGAR

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin launched her newest campaign against reality in Pennsylvania yesterday, when she announced her opposition to the state's initiative to rid elementary school cafeteria's of sugary sweets.   "What's wrong with sugar?", the former college drop out asked the crowd gathered to support a small, private, elementary school.   "Sugar and spice and everything nice is what little girls are made of - you betcha", Palin is alleged to have stated before rallying the crowd with the charges that:  "Pennsylvania's liberal, left wing legislators are trying to rid the world of little girls!"   Palin then convinced the crowd of mostly undereducated illegal immigrants that this was an attempt by a 'rogue state' to align with the evil interests of China.   "And you know what the Chinese will do, don't  cha?   They'll force our kids to eat wanton instead of good ol American chicken noodle soup! "   Comments were then allegedly made by the former tiara seeking ex Governor alluding to legislation she supports that would re activate the detainment of all 'foreign looking' individuals just like we did in the "good ol days of World War II, you betcha".   Word has it that the auditorium quickly emptied of most adults, leaving just Mrs. Weinerschnitzel's 7th grade special education students.    Palin allegedly personally handed each of these students a super sized lolly pop with the slogan "Vote for Bristol the Pistol on DWTS" written on them. 

When asked by a reporter for the senior high school newspaper about her support for overloading children with sugary sweets, Palin may have said "just look what it did for Bristol the Pistol!  She's been able to turn her refusal to follow my "abstinence is all ya need" campaign into being the spoiler on America's top rated dance show!   And there's a girl I never denied a pound or two of sugary, fatty stuff growing up."  Palin also took a jab at Pennsylvania Governor Rendell's personal weight loss success, accusing Rendell of loosing weight just so he won't have to face New Jersey Governor Christy on America's Biggest Looser.

It should be noted that absolutely nothing in this report has been verified.  But, it seems pretty plausible.

In somewhat related news, the Tea Party has announced that, emboldened by Bristol the (kinda heavy) Pistol's spoiler success on DWTS, they plan to have Christine O'Donnell compete on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader next season.

PHRASES WE SELDOM HEAR

1.  So much to do and a whole lot of time to do it;
2.  It's all Greek to me, which is good 'cause that's my native language so lets speak greek.
3.  I mean to be nosey, and.....
4.  Coulda, woulda and did.
5.  It's not a matter of opinion, it's a matter of what I think.
6.  The kids havn't had enough sugar today.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Or not.  Here are some words that, in the near future, I am going to attempt to snub:   Retarded (and derivatives of), the ‘F’ word, asshole and sure. The reasons are varying, but they are all good reasons, so the snub is appropriate.

It is  finally politically incorrect to use the word ‘retarded’ or ‘retard’ in contexts that do not involve individuals who actually have medically documented cognitive disabilities.   I am not usually a big fan of the ‘politically correct’, but I do agree with this one.  In this instance, it’s not like you have to avoid using an otherwise inoffensive word when accurately describing someone. Political correctness forbids one to use the word ‘black’ when describing or referring to an individual of African American decent. But both white and black people can be from Africa.  , I believe it is foolish to refrain from describing a person as being 'black' if they happen to be  Negro. If the person is Caucasian, then it would really be misleading to describe them as ‘black’.  They would be no more ‘black’ then they would be ‘white’. (Really, we are all varying shades of brown, from light tan to chestnut. Yeah brown!!!).

I am Caucasian and am not offended if someone describes me as ‘a white person’ (unless of course it is said as a ‘snub’, inferring that I am a really bad dancer. Which is not the case; I can shake my bootie till the cows come home.) I am offended if someone describes me as 'cheap',  'tawdry',  'unattractive' or  'really starting to show her age'.   If I were Negro, I doubt that I would be offended if someone described me as ‘a black person’. Where is the offense? There is nothing wrong with being black, and it could very well be said as a compliment if one were inferring really, really good dancing ability.  Now, I do see some inconsistencies here, because truly, I don’t refer to any of my Asian friends as ‘yellow people’.  (Hmm. My nieces take ballet lessons and I think they’re pretty good at it, and they’re Asian, so…..)

Anyway, I think the problem with using the word ‘retarded’ descriptively is that it is often  used to describe a person or thing that is not, has not, and will not be medically determined to be dealing with a developmental disorder such as retardation.   I am an offender. (Okay, I am a huge offender).  Just the other day on my way into work, I proclaimed numerous times, loudly, that those little high powered wheel chairs called ‘Smart Cars’ are ‘retarded’. I also said they were only driven by ‘retards’. I also declared that an arbitration panel that rendered a verdict that I was not completely happy with to be ‘completely retarded’.  I also told my husband that  his idea to get rid of our land line and just our cell phones  was ‘retarded’.   I will stop using the words 'retarded' and 'retard' in the wrong context.  (btw: I always walk in the Trisomy 21 fundraiser and this year will ask you all to double your donations to my team).

I use the ‘F’ word way too much, and I am pretty sure that my Mother would not approve.  I know that my husband doesn’t (though I do see him laughing a lot when I use this word.).  As cathartic as it may be to hurl a few 'F bombs' at the truly annoying,  it can become so habit forming that you end up throwing a few of the 'colorful explatives'  around at the wrong time, and the wrong place.   (No, I am not going to enlighten you with recent, somewhat unfortunate events involving said use of said explative).    However, as  sloppy as I have become in my cathartic releases,  there are some places twhere  even I would never use the ‘F’ word:  Church (other than those two times when it was completely appropriate), The Lilly Store and Tiffany’s.   I am sure you are wondering on what occasions saying ‘Fuck’ would be appropriate in Church.   Once was at my wedding when some assholes  guests felt it wasy okay to arrive  during the ceremony, as opposed to before the fucking thing started!  

Me:  Jeeze, it’s my fucking wedding and that little ho is late! If that bitch ever gets married we'll see how she likes it when I walk in twenty minutes late.

There was also the time that the Deacon giving the Sermon just made one too many mistakes about the equal rights struggle.   I gave him some creative liscence, but  when he said that Martin Luther King refused to give up his seat on a bus in Selma, Alabama:

Me: What the fuck? That was Rosa Parks, asshole.

Asshole.  That’s another word that I am going to try to snub.  Not because I want to, mind you.  But because my husband has been so fucking annoying  always nagging me about it so much.  He says that I use the word like other people use punctuation.

Husband: To save some money, how ‘bout we get rid of our land line and just use our cell phones?

Me:   I get shitty reception on my cell phone in the house, asshole.  That’s a fucking retarded idea.

Or

Comcast Customer Service Rep (in India):  if you are having trouble with your land line, we will schedule a service appointment for you between the hours of 8:00 am and 5:00 pm.

Me:   Look, asshole, for the fourth time, you already sent a service tech out here and he says we need a whole new line.

Comcast Customer Service Rep: What was the name of the service technician, please?

Me:  I don’t remember his name; he’s a tall, heavy set, black  guy driving a white van with the word: "Comcast "  written on the side.

Last but not least, I am snubbing the word ‘sure’.  And this one I really do mean to snub. This one gets me in more fucking trouble then calling some black guy an asshole.  Just this past week:

Snobby Woman (at snobby committee meeting):  Corky, since you haven't contributed anything of value to this meeting, can you contact these ten vendors and get the food donated for our Tea Cup Drive?
Me:  Sure, I'd love to (you fucking bitch)

Boss:  I need someone to give me a status on these three files by this afternoon.  Corky, can you do it?
Me:  Sure, right away (I'll just cancel my afternoon meetings so I can do your work for you 'cause you're too fucking retarded to do it yourself)

Husband:  Please stop calling me  asshole.
Me:  Sure.  Love you (just don't suggest we get rid of the useless, non functional land line)

And now a (shameless) plug for Arbonne Cosmetics, because 1.  I use these products.  2.  I like these products.  3.  They are cruelty free (not tested on animals cause only asshole companies do that), and 4. I have two friends who are Arbonne reps.   These two ladies probably do not want to own up to being my friend on this public blog read by, litterally, tens of people (maybe ten).  But, if you would like to try Arbonne, leave a comment and they can get in touch with you.   I like the peppermint foot cream and the mascara.   I buy the foot cream from one friend and the mascara from the other.  They know who they are:   the Foot Friend and the Mascara Friend.  Hopefully, they will both read this post and place the appropriate orders for me.  Otherwise, I will be a smelly footed, bald eye lid girl with a mouth full of soap.

RANDOM BITCHY RANTINGS

Since my last posting I have decided to give (that asshole) The Tax Man a brief respite from my diatribe and to instead focus my snobnotic rantings towards a few others.  Let this be a warning to people who drive 'Smart Cars',  wear obnoxiously stupid big hats to horsing events, dare to wear butterflies on their shoulders or go by the name of Sarah Palin, that they are about to be ranted upon.

Let me start with 'Smart Cars'.  You know, those (obnoxious) little vehicles that look more like a cold weather golf cart or something you'd let Barbie drive around your living room?  They have two front seats and that's it.  Cars over.   And the driver's of these little buggers seem to think that they are immune from the impact of large vehicles like, oh say, a SEMI.   Can we just be politically incorrect for a moment and give these vehicles a more accurate name?   'Moron Cars' would be good.   "Stupid Moron Cars' would be more accurate.   Yes, yes, I know.  This is insulting to morons, who undoubtedly would argue that they in fact drive Ford F150 pick ups with their hunting rifle stored (un)securely in the cab.   I would be okay with renaming these vehicles 'Shit Head Cars'.   Any Shit Heads out there that would find this insulting?  If so, now is your chance to start heaving up your objections. 

And since the law sees fit to allow these shitty little cars onto the highway, with all the really, really big vehicles called:   Tractor Trailors,  then why not let bicyclists share the travel lanes on the expressway, too!   Hell, lets let women pushing strollers out there as well.    Personally, I think I'd feel safer in a stroller then in one of those (shit head, moronic) Smart Cars.  At least there would be someone behind me to take the first impact from the Cadillac Escalade running me over as I weave in and out of traffic at 60 mph.  

Maybe the fact that anyone who gets into one of those stupid little peices of shit is probably already shy of the IQ borderline between slow and functional(hey, I gave it to the morons and shit heads first) is a good thing.  That way, once the dust settles and the peices are picked up and placed into the ambulance, the 'cognitive injury' claim will be deminimous since, as we've already declared, the occupants of the 'Smart Car' were already functioning at the level of a moronic shit head.

Speaking of moronic and (shitty) things on ones head,   I will now sequeay on to women who wear big, silly hats to horsing events.    Is there something about a horse that begs the attire of something like this:

I see it, I see it.   Horse.   Hooves.  H-H-HAT!!!.  And while we're at it, lets have a contest to see who is wearing the Most Beautiful Hat!!!   Probably won't be the horse, cause, gee, all the other horses would laugh him out of the stable, because, ya know IT'S SO FRIGGIN' STUPID!!!

Sampling of random comments regarding Ladies Hats at a horse race:

Horse 1:   Wow, look at that beautiful hat.  Boy now I really want to run fast today, how inspiring.
Horse 2:   Personally I find this years hats to be a let down so I am refusing to take part in todays race.

Husband 1:  Gimme another double vodka - I'm gonna need a lot of liquor to deal with these stupid hats blocking my view of the race.
Husband 2:  Too bad they don't block my view of the women's face.

Creepy Stable Hand:   Wow, these beautiful hats really turn me on.  I'm sexually aroused.


Speaking of silly things to wear, my rant now comes to poor ol' Siobhan Magnus.  I really thought this uber talented Cape Cod gal had a good chance of winning the American Idol contest this year.  Alas, her song choices have befuddled not just Simon, but me as well.   And as if seeing the title float away on a lilly pad weren't bad enough, now poor Siobhan has Kara saying that she wants to hang out with her.  (but not buy her record, which is probably how Kara sees friendship since undoubtedly none of her friends have ever bought her record).  

Last night, Siobhan performed wearing another weird outfit.  This time she also attached several butterflies to her arms and shoulder.  Simon thought they were leaves and said:

Simon:   I found the leaves distracting.
Kara:   They're not leaves, they're butterflies.
EDITED BY AI:
Siobhan:   These butterflies are my friends.

I think Siobhan is turning into Tinker Bell.

Last but not least....um, change that, she is definetly least.   Okay, lastly I will rant about Sarah Palin.  But first I will thank her because, she makes me sound informed and intelligent.   Hell, she makes 'Smart Car' drivers sound informed and intelligent.  

Sarah:  Our Founding Fathers did not want a separation of Church and State.
Me:   Uh, yeah.  They did.   They did it kind of specifically, too.   In fact, they put it first.   As in The First Amendment.   Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli.   Jefferson was a Deist.   But, since you now want the Government to get involved with the citizens lives, then I guess you'll be changing your whole stance on limiting government.   Or, do you just want Government to be involved in dictating our religious choices, but not to get involved with our ability to have life (health care), liberty (choise of faith or not faith) and pursuit of happiness (Gay marriage)?

THE TAX MAN COMMETH (and the Tax Man Tooketh Away)

In horror of  honor of TAX DAY, I have decided to drink myself silly and then crank call everyone who works for the IRS.   

They can't take away my dignity (cause I hid it in the toilet)