HOLD ON TO YOUR (TEA) BAG

Dateline Los Angeles - R & B singer Brandy was brutally robbed by a plain, chunky, white girl with a bad perm.   The assault, which occurred at approximately 9:53 pm, was witnesses by dozens of shocked bystanders who stood idol,  claiming that the crime was so swift and vicious that there was nothing they could do.  "I glared daggers at the evil little fatty", cried actress Jennifer Grey, "but I couldn't stop it.   Poor Brandy, she was so innocent.  This should never have happened to her."   Grey's sentiments were echoed by many other witnesses.

Disney star Kyle Massey added, "I thought she (Brandy) could outrun her (the plain, chunky, white girl).   I mean, Brandy is fast and sure footed and that hefty white chick was slow and awkward.   It was horrible.  I"m telling you, it was just the worst thing I've ever seen."

Los Angeles police issued a statement asking the public to be on the lookout for a badly permed, overweight and personality deprived white teen aged girl.   At the moment, investigators say  "they are all suspect until we can get a composite sketch."  According to police,   compiling the composite sketch has been exceedingly difficult since the many, many witness all contend that the assailant was so incredibly plain that describing facial features is virtually impossible.   However, the following descriptive words have been given by almost every witness:   Chunky,  white, badly permed hair,  lifeless,  slow, awkward.

Brandy is being treated at a local hospital for burns to her face caused by some sort of tannic acid believed to have been wielded by her assailant.   "It smells like tea," the singer said earlier.  "Like a Darjeeling, or possibly some sort of English Breakfast brew."   Her companion, Max, added  "To me, it looked as if the chunky, little white girl had strings attached to her hands and feet and someone, somewhere, was moving them about.  I don't know if the slow, white chick threw the tannic acid substance or if whoever was pulling those puppet strings did."

In a bizarre twist, a group calling itself  "Vote For The Worst "  issued a statement claiming responsibility for the Brandy attack.    The group went on to claim responsibility for a number of bad choices in American voting contests, including former American Idol contestants Sanjaya and Teflon Tim, as well as political candidates Rand Paul and Christine O'Donnell.    Federal investigators were called in to dust the statement for finger prints, but all the found were tea leaves.