REGISTERING THE REALITIES OF PREGNANCY

Being pregnant for the first time is an exciting and somewhat scary adventure.   So many strange and gross ,  bizarre,  wonderful things happen to your body, hormones and emotions that it is hard to put them all down in words.   Fortunately for pregnant women (and their frightened partners), there are lots and lots of (often uselessly misleading) books out there to help guide you thru these  never ending amazing nine months.   And if you get drowsy with all that reading (or drowsy because you can only stay awake for 7 hours a day now), scores of  intrusive  annoying  rabid helpful people are all too eager to assault you  offer  unsolicited  advice and support.    I've  been the recipient   beneficiary of both sources.    And, as helpful as the books and helpful often times strangers  folks have been,  I've come to learn that there are some things about pregnancy that have not been addressed.   

And so, without further warning here is my list of things that every pregnant woman should plan for.  And as for that baby registry?  To hell with that!   This kid isn't even born yet.  Register for the stuff that YOU need NOW:

1.   Learn to Count and don't be afraid to teach others how to count:  The average woman is not pregnant for  a mere nine months.    Try FORTY WEEKS.  Sometimes longer.  Sometimes less time, but count on forty weeks.   The next time someone makes one of those cutesy faces and remarks:   "only x more weeks",  go right ahead and let loose some of your pent up flatulence and tell them that they cannot leave the spot where they stand until they get this mathematical equation correct.   This will be great experience for you on  lecturing people who are younger, smaller and less educated than you.

2.  The Stomach Gropers:   Oh yeah, they're out there.  People who you often barely  know feel entitled to run up to you and start groping your protruding belly.   You could stand there and let them fondle you.  Or, you could try one of these reactions:

     *  Back away and inform them that only your husband and your OBGYN get to grope you.
     *  Smack them and threaten to turn them in to their boss/mother/spouse/local politician.
     *   Immediately grab their boobs/genitals and say 'Hey, fair is fair".

3.  Fill out FMLA and Americans With Disabilities forms:   Obviously this applies to working women.    Fill these forms out the same day you pee on that stick!!!   Consider it a cover-your-ever-expanding-ass move.    You see,   pregnancy hormones play havoc with your ability to remember things,  cope with things,  handle things,   do things....just things!!   I've organized fundraising events for over 500 attendees without a glitch.   But, in my 14th week of pregnancy I tried organizing a baby shower for twelve people.   I sent out at least one of the invitations COMPLETELY BLANK.  I've missed work deadlines, cried when complimented, cried when criticized, cried when constipated.

4.   Constipation:   If high school girls (I'm talkin' to you Bristol) knew that unprotected sex leads to crippling constipation, profuse sweating, frequent belching, hemorrhoids,  bloated calves and feet,  acne,  non stop heart burn and a host of unattractive physical malformities they wouldn't need condoms, chastity rings or "Abstinence" slogans.    In fact, I doubt they would EVER remove their underpants again.    But, for those of us that are older, wiser and currently having our stomachs measured for fundus growth,  it's a bit too late for that now.   So I will just tell y'all now to order a carton or two of the following:    Dulcolax,  Extra Strength Tums,  talc on powder,  Preparation H, ice packs, heating pads, support stockings and anti stretch mark creme.

5.  Maternity Clothing:   My "woman's intuition"  is telling me that the religious right wing has taken over every maternity wear manufacturer and is secretly punishing us pregnant women for conceiving via 'sin' versus 'divine intervention' .   They use the worst, most universally rejected material that you can take a needle and thread to.   They believe that most pregnancies occur in warm states during the summer.  As such, they design most of the crappy ugly stuff with spaghetti straps and short sleeves.   And they believe that pregnant women fall into one of two fashion categories:   Disco-bound  sluts; or Women who are not only having a baby, but are becoming a baby, too.    Save yourself time, aggravation and money.   Buy a bunch of leggings and  men's shirts.  And, when you have to attend board meetings, formal events or such and someone gives you a raised eyebrow glare because you are dressed inappropriately?   Sit next to said asshole and let your flatulence run free.

6.  Crying, Yelling, Stomping of Foot:   Pregnancy hormones can turn even the sweetest woman into a bi polar nightmare.   Imagine what it does to the rest of us!   Yes, yes,  it's real scary for your partner, never knowing from moment to moment if he should hug you, rub your swollen and enormous feet or run and hide in a locked closet.   But, the upside for you is that this unpredictable yet very predictable hormonal phenomenon gives you quite a bit of power.   No spouse in his right mind will deny your buying the expensive, $900 nursery bedding set - not when you look like you are about to either break down and spend the next four hours crying; or possibly grab the nearest carving knife and chase him about the neighborhood screaming "This is all your fault!!!   If only you had given me girl sperm we wouldn't need to spend so much on the nursery!!".  Note:   unless they are about to fire you (which they will certainly request some sacrificial lamb from HR  do for them), most bosses are equally terrified of your new, ADA protected pregnancy related hormonal rages.   This could be a wonderful opportunity to demand  ask for a raise.

7.  Sleep:   This is something that you can do instantly between the hours of 8:00 am and 6:00 pm.   Unfortunately, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 6:00 am you get very little sleep.   Between the latter hours, your sleep is interrupted by hourly trips to the bathroom, misplaced body pillows, heart burn, night sweats, leg twitching, charlie horses and your husband's snoring.   You really can't do anything about these things, other than your husband's snoring.   My advice is to take out your pent up hostility and rage on the poor man for keeping you up all night.   Does he not know you're pregnant, for God's sake!?!

8.   REGISTER:    Apparently getting married and celebrating your birthday are not the only reasons for lots of people to buy you presents.   And, with registries you get to pick out all the goodies.   If you ask the overly zealous  helpful clerks at Babies R Us, they'll tell you to register for things like strollers, car seats and teething rings.   Again - this kid isn't even born yet!!!   My advice:

      Body Pillow
  
     Comfy Shoes - Naturalizer now trumps Stuart Weitzman 

     Diaper Bag - forget the kind at the baby store.   Coach, Lilly, Kenneth Cole all make  them.              

    Large bags of Trail Mix -  handfuls of nuts now replace a glass of wine. 
 
    Tiffany's - hell, you're the one doing all the work.  Why should the baby get the gifts?  How much work did 'being born' take? 

    Spa Vacation - you'll need and deserve it after the 40 weeks you've been thru.

Now, you may feel that this post is negative and that I am not thrilled to be having a baby.   How could you think that?!?   Don't you know I"m pregnant????  Do you know what I'm going thru? Have any idea???  How callous can you be???