HOLD ON TO YOUR (TEA) BAG

Dateline Los Angeles - R & B singer Brandy was brutally robbed by a plain, chunky, white girl with a bad perm.   The assault, which occurred at approximately 9:53 pm, was witnesses by dozens of shocked bystanders who stood idol,  claiming that the crime was so swift and vicious that there was nothing they could do.  "I glared daggers at the evil little fatty", cried actress Jennifer Grey, "but I couldn't stop it.   Poor Brandy, she was so innocent.  This should never have happened to her."   Grey's sentiments were echoed by many other witnesses.

Disney star Kyle Massey added, "I thought she (Brandy) could outrun her (the plain, chunky, white girl).   I mean, Brandy is fast and sure footed and that hefty white chick was slow and awkward.   It was horrible.  I"m telling you, it was just the worst thing I've ever seen."

Los Angeles police issued a statement asking the public to be on the lookout for a badly permed, overweight and personality deprived white teen aged girl.   At the moment, investigators say  "they are all suspect until we can get a composite sketch."  According to police,   compiling the composite sketch has been exceedingly difficult since the many, many witness all contend that the assailant was so incredibly plain that describing facial features is virtually impossible.   However, the following descriptive words have been given by almost every witness:   Chunky,  white, badly permed hair,  lifeless,  slow, awkward.

Brandy is being treated at a local hospital for burns to her face caused by some sort of tannic acid believed to have been wielded by her assailant.   "It smells like tea," the singer said earlier.  "Like a Darjeeling, or possibly some sort of English Breakfast brew."   Her companion, Max, added  "To me, it looked as if the chunky, little white girl had strings attached to her hands and feet and someone, somewhere, was moving them about.  I don't know if the slow, white chick threw the tannic acid substance or if whoever was pulling those puppet strings did."

In a bizarre twist, a group calling itself  "Vote For The Worst "  issued a statement claiming responsibility for the Brandy attack.    The group went on to claim responsibility for a number of bad choices in American voting contests, including former American Idol contestants Sanjaya and Teflon Tim, as well as political candidates Rand Paul and Christine O'Donnell.    Federal investigators were called in to dust the statement for finger prints, but all the found were tea leaves.

REGISTERING THE REALITIES OF PREGNANCY

Being pregnant for the first time is an exciting and somewhat scary adventure.   So many strange and gross ,  bizarre,  wonderful things happen to your body, hormones and emotions that it is hard to put them all down in words.   Fortunately for pregnant women (and their frightened partners), there are lots and lots of (often uselessly misleading) books out there to help guide you thru these  never ending amazing nine months.   And if you get drowsy with all that reading (or drowsy because you can only stay awake for 7 hours a day now), scores of  intrusive  annoying  rabid helpful people are all too eager to assault you  offer  unsolicited  advice and support.    I've  been the recipient   beneficiary of both sources.    And, as helpful as the books and helpful often times strangers  folks have been,  I've come to learn that there are some things about pregnancy that have not been addressed.   

And so, without further warning here is my list of things that every pregnant woman should plan for.  And as for that baby registry?  To hell with that!   This kid isn't even born yet.  Register for the stuff that YOU need NOW:

1.   Learn to Count and don't be afraid to teach others how to count:  The average woman is not pregnant for  a mere nine months.    Try FORTY WEEKS.  Sometimes longer.  Sometimes less time, but count on forty weeks.   The next time someone makes one of those cutesy faces and remarks:   "only x more weeks",  go right ahead and let loose some of your pent up flatulence and tell them that they cannot leave the spot where they stand until they get this mathematical equation correct.   This will be great experience for you on  lecturing people who are younger, smaller and less educated than you.

2.  The Stomach Gropers:   Oh yeah, they're out there.  People who you often barely  know feel entitled to run up to you and start groping your protruding belly.   You could stand there and let them fondle you.  Or, you could try one of these reactions:

     *  Back away and inform them that only your husband and your OBGYN get to grope you.
     *  Smack them and threaten to turn them in to their boss/mother/spouse/local politician.
     *   Immediately grab their boobs/genitals and say 'Hey, fair is fair".

3.  Fill out FMLA and Americans With Disabilities forms:   Obviously this applies to working women.    Fill these forms out the same day you pee on that stick!!!   Consider it a cover-your-ever-expanding-ass move.    You see,   pregnancy hormones play havoc with your ability to remember things,  cope with things,  handle things,   do things....just things!!   I've organized fundraising events for over 500 attendees without a glitch.   But, in my 14th week of pregnancy I tried organizing a baby shower for twelve people.   I sent out at least one of the invitations COMPLETELY BLANK.  I've missed work deadlines, cried when complimented, cried when criticized, cried when constipated.

4.   Constipation:   If high school girls (I'm talkin' to you Bristol) knew that unprotected sex leads to crippling constipation, profuse sweating, frequent belching, hemorrhoids,  bloated calves and feet,  acne,  non stop heart burn and a host of unattractive physical malformities they wouldn't need condoms, chastity rings or "Abstinence" slogans.    In fact, I doubt they would EVER remove their underpants again.    But, for those of us that are older, wiser and currently having our stomachs measured for fundus growth,  it's a bit too late for that now.   So I will just tell y'all now to order a carton or two of the following:    Dulcolax,  Extra Strength Tums,  talc on powder,  Preparation H, ice packs, heating pads, support stockings and anti stretch mark creme.

5.  Maternity Clothing:   My "woman's intuition"  is telling me that the religious right wing has taken over every maternity wear manufacturer and is secretly punishing us pregnant women for conceiving via 'sin' versus 'divine intervention' .   They use the worst, most universally rejected material that you can take a needle and thread to.   They believe that most pregnancies occur in warm states during the summer.  As such, they design most of the crappy ugly stuff with spaghetti straps and short sleeves.   And they believe that pregnant women fall into one of two fashion categories:   Disco-bound  sluts; or Women who are not only having a baby, but are becoming a baby, too.    Save yourself time, aggravation and money.   Buy a bunch of leggings and  men's shirts.  And, when you have to attend board meetings, formal events or such and someone gives you a raised eyebrow glare because you are dressed inappropriately?   Sit next to said asshole and let your flatulence run free.

6.  Crying, Yelling, Stomping of Foot:   Pregnancy hormones can turn even the sweetest woman into a bi polar nightmare.   Imagine what it does to the rest of us!   Yes, yes,  it's real scary for your partner, never knowing from moment to moment if he should hug you, rub your swollen and enormous feet or run and hide in a locked closet.   But, the upside for you is that this unpredictable yet very predictable hormonal phenomenon gives you quite a bit of power.   No spouse in his right mind will deny your buying the expensive, $900 nursery bedding set - not when you look like you are about to either break down and spend the next four hours crying; or possibly grab the nearest carving knife and chase him about the neighborhood screaming "This is all your fault!!!   If only you had given me girl sperm we wouldn't need to spend so much on the nursery!!".  Note:   unless they are about to fire you (which they will certainly request some sacrificial lamb from HR  do for them), most bosses are equally terrified of your new, ADA protected pregnancy related hormonal rages.   This could be a wonderful opportunity to demand  ask for a raise.

7.  Sleep:   This is something that you can do instantly between the hours of 8:00 am and 6:00 pm.   Unfortunately, between the hours of 10:00 pm and 6:00 am you get very little sleep.   Between the latter hours, your sleep is interrupted by hourly trips to the bathroom, misplaced body pillows, heart burn, night sweats, leg twitching, charlie horses and your husband's snoring.   You really can't do anything about these things, other than your husband's snoring.   My advice is to take out your pent up hostility and rage on the poor man for keeping you up all night.   Does he not know you're pregnant, for God's sake!?!

8.   REGISTER:    Apparently getting married and celebrating your birthday are not the only reasons for lots of people to buy you presents.   And, with registries you get to pick out all the goodies.   If you ask the overly zealous  helpful clerks at Babies R Us, they'll tell you to register for things like strollers, car seats and teething rings.   Again - this kid isn't even born yet!!!   My advice:

      Body Pillow
  
     Comfy Shoes - Naturalizer now trumps Stuart Weitzman 

     Diaper Bag - forget the kind at the baby store.   Coach, Lilly, Kenneth Cole all make  them.              

    Large bags of Trail Mix -  handfuls of nuts now replace a glass of wine. 
 
    Tiffany's - hell, you're the one doing all the work.  Why should the baby get the gifts?  How much work did 'being born' take? 

    Spa Vacation - you'll need and deserve it after the 40 weeks you've been thru.

Now, you may feel that this post is negative and that I am not thrilled to be having a baby.   How could you think that?!?   Don't you know I"m pregnant????  Do you know what I'm going thru? Have any idea???  How callous can you be???

I'LL HAVE SOME TEA WITH MY SUGAR

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin launched her newest campaign against reality in Pennsylvania yesterday, when she announced her opposition to the state's initiative to rid elementary school cafeteria's of sugary sweets.   "What's wrong with sugar?", the former college drop out asked the crowd gathered to support a small, private, elementary school.   "Sugar and spice and everything nice is what little girls are made of - you betcha", Palin is alleged to have stated before rallying the crowd with the charges that:  "Pennsylvania's liberal, left wing legislators are trying to rid the world of little girls!"   Palin then convinced the crowd of mostly undereducated illegal immigrants that this was an attempt by a 'rogue state' to align with the evil interests of China.   "And you know what the Chinese will do, don't  cha?   They'll force our kids to eat wanton instead of good ol American chicken noodle soup! "   Comments were then allegedly made by the former tiara seeking ex Governor alluding to legislation she supports that would re activate the detainment of all 'foreign looking' individuals just like we did in the "good ol days of World War II, you betcha".   Word has it that the auditorium quickly emptied of most adults, leaving just Mrs. Weinerschnitzel's 7th grade special education students.    Palin allegedly personally handed each of these students a super sized lolly pop with the slogan "Vote for Bristol the Pistol on DWTS" written on them. 

When asked by a reporter for the senior high school newspaper about her support for overloading children with sugary sweets, Palin may have said "just look what it did for Bristol the Pistol!  She's been able to turn her refusal to follow my "abstinence is all ya need" campaign into being the spoiler on America's top rated dance show!   And there's a girl I never denied a pound or two of sugary, fatty stuff growing up."  Palin also took a jab at Pennsylvania Governor Rendell's personal weight loss success, accusing Rendell of loosing weight just so he won't have to face New Jersey Governor Christy on America's Biggest Looser.

It should be noted that absolutely nothing in this report has been verified.  But, it seems pretty plausible.

In somewhat related news, the Tea Party has announced that, emboldened by Bristol the (kinda heavy) Pistol's spoiler success on DWTS, they plan to have Christine O'Donnell compete on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader next season.

PHRASES WE SELDOM HEAR

1.  So much to do and a whole lot of time to do it;
2.  It's all Greek to me, which is good 'cause that's my native language so lets speak greek.
3.  I mean to be nosey, and.....
4.  Coulda, woulda and did.
5.  It's not a matter of opinion, it's a matter of what I think.
6.  The kids havn't had enough sugar today.